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Another year has come and gone. And I must say, quite a bit has happened in that one year. I finished up my junior year and I am now struggling through my senior. And I have am looking at graduate schools. I do not know where I am going or how I am going to get there. To be completely honest, I am feeling so overwhelmed. But I persevere! This is my last heavy semester. The next will be just be a few capstones. Nothing too intense. A top of that I would like to make the unofficial official announce that I have launched a business. A proper business with an LLC and taxes and all. It's called Kada's Bookstore. There I will selling exclusive books and planners, and soon something very exciting will appear there. I can't really talk at all right now. It's still in the very very very early stages. But by this time next year it will be out and ready for everybody. We just have to wait for another birthday. Setting all this up has been a stressor in it and of itself. There is so much that goes into running a business! I mean that's pretty obvious... but I didn't think that I was fully prepared before I started. I mean, I don't even sleep now. No seriously. I go to class and do homework all day and all night I write and work on my website. I just keep telling myself that it will pay off. Just another year. And at this point just another semester (plus six more). Then I'll be exactly where I want to be! I'm so tired and motived and stressed and excited! Anyway, happy birthday to me!
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I haven't been writing. I joined camp NaNoWriMo because I thought it was going to help motivate me to reach my writing goals, but I haven't done any writing. I've done a minimal amount, but I've barely finished the second chapter. And that's the big deal issue. You know, I've barely gotten started is what I'm saying. So I blocked out April 22nd to be a writing day after I had breakfast, two hours later I still hadn't done anything. I forgot that I had to work.
So a couple of days later, I still haven't done any writing. I don't know. I can't remember what I did. I started writing and maybe got like a couple sentences and maybe a paragraph. But now you know my writing process and why it takes me so long to finish books. I procrastinate like no other. I don't have any excuse. So I did do a lot of work then. Really. I worked. I got 1000 words in but then. I got maybe 200 then next day. I don't have the actual count, but I doubt it was even 200 words. So I did not have the greatest most productive weekend. I didn't have the most productive week either. My productivity, for me personally, it kind of revolves around my state of being and as of late I'm not in the great state of being and I think writing this book had been the longest so far. I started back in January and now it's May and I'm still working on the second chapter. So it's shaping up to be like a 2-year project which it hasn't taken me that long since my very first book when I didn't think I could actually publish it. Now I have a system and I can't follow it and that's just like my whole life and mental state right now. But I would like to know your tips. You know, like how you get out of your funk or back into writing. That's all I have for now. Bye!
There have been a a series of wild things that have occurred in my life recently. Some were out my control. A lot were. But right I need a break to figure out my own life and get my shit together. I don't particularly post on my blog a lot. But writing is about to fall behind schedule - more than usual. And I won't posting own youtube as much. If you didn't know about my YouTube Channel now you do. The video below will explain everything a little better.
I don't plan to be gone for very long. My hope is to back at it by mid-April but I really just have to see what life has in store for me. But whenever I do come, I'll be a brand new better me. I'll have a writing schedule and blog schedule. And for those on my blog you get a super secret special announcement: I'll be creating a BookTube. All things book and reading and writing. It will be in full swing when I come back. I promise! And it'll be great!
Until then. So this week, I actually had to cook for myself! Yeah, yeah, I know. It's really that big of a deal. But I've become accustomed to the on-campus dining and not having to do more than swipe my card and grab some food. But this week (because I decided to return to campus a week before it actually reopened) I had to cook everyday this week just to survive! But I made some pretty good food. Check it out. Monday, Jan 6 Jambalaya Spicy one-pot jambalaya. Andouille sausage, white rice, skinless chicken breasts, all in one big pot to create a blend of savory cajun flavor. Tuesday, Jan 7 BLTs Bacon, tomato, lettuce, mayonnaise, and mustard. Along with homemade potato fries. Simple but delicious. Wednesday, Jan 8 Baked Tilapia Easy baked tilapia flavored with fresh lemon and Italian Garlic. Along with slow cooked wild rice and broccoli mac & cheese. One of my favorite dishes. Thursday, Jan 9 Spaghetti Thin noodle spaghetti with smoked sausage and savory tomato sauce. Served with a garden salad and cheesy biscuit cookies (namely because I messed up the recipe and it turned into a cookie more than a biscuit). Friday, Jan 10 movies I went to the movies. My boyfriend dragged me into watching a period piece called 1917. About a series of events of two British soldiers, Schofield and Blake, when they impossible orders to race against time. It was really good, to my surprise. But I eat at the movie. Had some nachos and gobs of popcorn. Saturday, Jan 11 Wings Half and half baked wings. Honey barbecue and buffalo baked in one tin and cooked alongside a cheese loaded baked potato. Sunday, Jan 12 Salmon Lemon and garlic buttered salmon seasoned with salt and pepper and baked with brussel sprouts. Served with slow cooked wild rice and salted tomato slices. ♪This Christmas, I gave♪ up my life!
This Christmas, was the first year I actually had to grown up, being 20 now. So, not only did I have to spend actual money that I don't have (although, I suppose that is the expectation), I had to book my own flight, I had to work and still I spent a lot of time by myself. That first week, December 8th through the 14th. A lot of people left campus. It was supposed to be finals week but nearly everyone got there's done early and by the end of the day Tuesday, everyone I knew had gone home. I spent that week, doing and redoing my hair, working out, writing, doing some volunteer work, oh, and watching an abundance of NetFlix. But for the most part, I spent nearly 8 hours by myself everyday. And don't get me wrong. I don't mind being alone. I can get a lot work done when my boyfriend isn't singing at the top of his lungs, or when my friends are pushing me to go out with them. But I was kind of used to it. And I quickly got pretty lonely... If I had known it was going to be so empty up here, I would have scheduled flight for earlier. But if I had, I would had to leave my car at the airport and spend upwards of $200 on parking. But because I decided to wait, my boyfriend's father was back in town - from Missouri where they went to see his sister graduate - and said I could leave my car at his place. His father also said that I could stay the night before the flight, in my boyfriend's old room, so I don't have to wake up at the ass crack of dawn to get there on time. His parents are so nice. I ended up getting them Christmas presents. His father is a lot like him with all the jokes and goofiness, so I got him a gag mug with yo mama jokes on it. For his mother, who LOVES to cook, I got her a cutting board. Or a cheese platter. I could be interpreted a couple ways. But I got her name inscribed into it so that it was personalized. But when I got it back, they just cut her name into it, which left gaps that food and bacteria could get stuck in. So I choose to fill it in, sand it down smooth, and add a waterproof sealant on it so that she could actually used it. It was process that took about four days, but it filled my week. I hoped they liked them. The morning of December 16th, my boyfriend's father dropped me off at the airport to catch my 9:38am flight. But when I got on the plane, it was delayed. And delayed again. And delayed some more. I spent probably two hours on that plane, just sitting in the runway. Apparently, the guys they got to come check it were not qualified and didn't fill out the proper paperwork. They checked off a few random boxes and they had to have someone else come in and really check the plane. The plane wasn't at all qualified for takeoff! So, they made us get off and get on a different plane that left at 12. But by that point we were flying into a snow storm and I was definitely going to miss my connecting flight. So I rescheduled it 6:30, which then meant that I wasn't going to get to North Carolina until 9:30. But finally, I was back with my mom. That first week wasn't eventful. My brother was still in school and my mother was still working. So, again, I spent a lot of time at home alone. I thought about maybe going out and exploring but I din't have my car. So I resorted to walking around the neighborhood. It was nice. North Carolina is a lot more humid than Arizona but at least t wasn't cold. Small victories. The next week, my mom had off and we did a couple of different things. We went to the Christmas light, had a mini Christmas party. And I finally had a crab boil! Yum! I loved it. And, we went to Jumanji 2: Next Level.I was told repeatedly not to see it but my love of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson pulled me! And I loved it. Which is why I often ignore the opinion of other people. Well, for that and a mix of other reasons. And on Christmas morning... I slept in until noon. My brother as well. But my mom had gotten up. When I finally a woke she and I made a last minute trip to WalMart for some crab legs. Yep, we had a seafood boil for Christmas dinner! It was so delicious. Just thinking about it now is making my mouth water. Boy, I wish I took leftovers. But after dinner we finally opened the presents around 6:30. My dad got me calligraphy pen! Oh my goodness, it's so beautiful! I love it so much! And my mom got me a, well needed, printer. Let me tell you how many times I have been late to class trying to print something off last minute at the library. Now I can be later for trying to print something off last minute in my room. BABY STEPS! I got my brother a toilet light for his 3am bathroom runs. The kid seems to never sleep. And I got my mom a personalized necklace. It was a good day. I had a lot of fun. But I would be remiss not to mention that I was immensely happy to be back in Arizona, in the arms of my boyfriend, the next day. Yep, my flight back to the AZ was the next day. There were a series of miscommunications and I left a few days earlier than I originally intended. But I did have a lot of fun. I hung out with my boyfriend and ALL of his extended family. I won't say that that it was a tad overwhelming. I will say that it was very overwhelming to meet all of his family all at once having that ask me what I was doing with my life and what I was planning. They were very nice and probably didn't have any idea how I was feeling but boy was I drained by the end of the day. That night was fun though. We had a massive dinner and played a plethora of Christmas games and made many jokes at the expense of my boyfriend. It was a good time and I'm glad I went. The very next Monday, though, I had to leave my boyfriend again. I had to go back to the summer camp to work. Or winter camp as it were. It was just for a week, and oh so fun. I had a lot of the same kids I had over the summer and some new ones. It was just two of us working at any given time and a lot of times just me, with ten sometimes fifteen kids but they were well behaved. They just wanted to play and talk and I did too so the week ran smoothly. Most of the time. The day after New Years, where all the kids stayed up the night before, was kind of hard. They were cranky and tired and a little hard to manage but after lunch they regained their energy. And the snowy fun resumed. When that week ended, I decided to drive back up to campus on January 4th. I thought I had to be a work that next Monday (today) at the elementary school and I kind of wanted the Sunday to get settled in. But turns out I had another two weeks to settle in. So I stayed a few more days and left today. Now I'm back on campus. And my boyfriend decided to come up with me. But there is no one up here but us and a few other students. Classes don't resume until next week. So maybe I'll get some work done though. Maybe flesh out the cover of my next book. Hehehe! I will say though, I did have a lot of fun in the chaos. But I'm ready to get back to a routine! Also, I'm sorry that my post frequency has slowed down. When the last semester began, I didn't really have time to write a lot. But I'm hoping to be better this semester. Happy New Years everyone! I think I know myself pretty well. I have had 19 (nearly 20) years to study, after all. And I know I have a fragile heart. I know when I fall, I crash. But my heart is like the last domino in the line. So many things have to fall into place within me before all of me goes crashing down. I mean, I have myself guarded up tighter than Fort Knox.
So these words have always been so hard for me to say. When I meant it anyway. When I didn't it just kind a rolled off my tongue. "Oh girl, I love you!" "I love you! You're so funny!" But in the context in which I'm opening my heart, it always making me nauseous. Not because I didn't mean it or didn't want to say it. It's the fact that I'm actually exposing myself. It's like your teeth. You munch and munch on them all day without a care. Then you get a cavity. At first it doesn't hurt so much. Just with sugary foods. Then with all foods. Then whenever you move your jaw. But by that point the nerve ending is exposed and you start to favor the other side of your mouth. Or if you are hygienically wise, you go to the dentist before it gets that bad. It's the same way for me with those words. As they become more real, the harder they are to say. So I start saying other things that imply or allude to what I'm trying to say and still get the job done. Backwards, I know. But now I've come to like it. In this way, I know it's real. I mean, I still have trouble telling my mom I love her and I've been doing it for nearly twenty years. It just feels weird in my mouth. So when I feel this nausea - as scary as it is - I'm more incline to just say it. Because it's true. I've got only one life and it's a pretty short one so I'm not gonna waste my time not telling my truth, not telling my feelings. Yes. It is just one phrase. Three simple words, I know. But to me it is the second most important phrase a person can say. When it's true. To Him
I am a delicate little bird Not to be pushed Or I might fall Carefully protected by his guard To Him I am as fragile as thin glass Not to be dropped Or I might shattered Safely carried in his embrace To Him I am as sensitive as creaky wood Not to be jumped on Or I might splinter Polished by him regularly To Him I am a gentle warm breeze Not to be ignored Or one might miss it Laying in my comfort To Him I am a soft blanket Not to be tugged Or I might rip Shared only with him But to Me He is the delicate little bird. Fighting against the winds of a stereotype To be a man, To protect at night, To provide at day. But I can see through His chirpings of fake laughs. His songs of forged reassurance. Oh, delicate little bird. I will sing for you. I will house you within my nest. I will swaddle you in my warmth. Oh, delicate little bird. I will protect you. I know for a lot of people school has been going on for a month already. But for me, I'm just starting into week 3. One might think that I've been coasting so far. Just chilling in the start of the year. But false. In the last two weeks I've had 9 homework assignments due, 7 quizzes, a full book to read along with 9 full length textbook chapters, and I have a job.
College. No rest for the wicked. But don't mistake this for me complaining. I love it. Sure, I have a full schedule with 19 credits and a job that I go to immediately after class, and homework that I need to attend to as soon as I get back... Wait, I wasn't complaining? No, because I have only one class on Friday and I don't work on that day or the weekends so it's like I have a three day weekend every week. Plus, my friends are the raddest cats. They're not cats. They're cool dudes. And every single weekend they have something new that we need to. Something fun to break from the intensity of a lecture filled week. And it works for me. If didn't, I wouldn't be feeling so light right now. Now don't get me wrong I do have a pretty heavy load to deal with. But I'm dealing, you know? Look at it like this. I get to have a break. I get most - if not all - of my homework done over the week so when Friday rolls around I can do whatever in the Bloody Mary I feel like doing. This morning, I pulled the doors off of my closet so I could see all of my clothes. Honestly, don't ask why I thought that was the best way to go about that. But I could. Because I have the time and energy. I just got to keep pushing myself to get where I want to be and I'll always find myself there. That's my motto in life. "If you can't run, then walk. If you can't walk then crawl. Just get to where you wanna be." A few months ago, way back in April, my boyfriend and I went on a drive around the city. It was one of those slow laid back days where we didn't want to do anything but we didn't want to stay inside. It was getting kind of late in the day when we decided to head back to campus but the sun was still out. And on that drive back a woman started honking and rides up on us. Then she pulled around us, screaming and shaking her fist out out the window. When she saw me, shock took her face briefly before returning to anger. For a moment, I thought that maybe we cut her off, or was driving too slow. But that couldn't have been the case.
Now, what I failed to mention was that my boyfriend is a proud Trump supporter. He has the hats and the stickers and any other memorabilia he could get his hands on. Including bumper stickers. We later put together that's where the woman's sudden anger and hatred stemmed from. Then, not even a week later, my boyfriend decided wear his MAGA hat around campus with some of his friends. It was a great accessory to his outfit, if I do say so myself. But that's beside the point. The point is that because I was holding his hand, I received a lot of disgusted, sad and even angry stares. Me, a very brown girl, with a Trump supporter. How degrading! How repulsive! How deplorable! No, what was deplorable was a group of girls, stopping me at the salad bar to ask if I was okay, as if to suggest that I was in some undesired captive relationship. I know, it's a big step from "are you okay?" to "is he holding you hostage?" But their line of questioning would prove their intent. Questions like, "how long were you dating before he told you?" "Would did he say to make you okay with that?" "Does he let you watch the news?" Does me let me watch the news?!? How was he gonna stop me? It's not like he had me tied up a basement and sang to me about the wonders of Trump. Not to down play such situations. Except, they overplayed mine. I understand that people are not really big fans of Donald Trump right now. I understand that some things that he says and does are not going to make everyone happy. But someone put him in office. A lot of people wanted him there. A lot of people want to keep him there. I might not agree with everything my boyfriend does in relations to politics but he hasn't once disrespected me, my moral standings, or my ideologies. And he isn't going around grabbing women's yahoo either. Now, I'm not trying to sway anyone into living a life like my own or glorify dating someone with opposing views, because sometimes it's hard. But I am just asking that we just respect each other's lifestyles. Also a co-worker of my mine, from the Lumberjack Newspaper, wrote a great article about her relationship. And another co-worker did an illustration of me and my boyfriend for the story. You can check it out and read the article, here. You know how in those diner movies or the ones where the main character works at a diner, there's always that one guy - who's usually old - who comes in every single day and orders the exact same thing.
Yeah, that's me. I'm a regular! You see, there's a McDonald's on my way to work. Right there, just before the turn into my workplace. It was tempting me to spend money that I don't have! How dare they taint the air with the delicious smell of hash browns! And one day, about two weeks into working at the summer camp, I had about twenty minutes of extra time before I needed to clock in. Surprisingly there was no traffic. And looking at my clock and smelling the delicious smells, I figured that I had time for a detour. That day I went through the Drive-Thru and ordered a Bacon & Egg McGriddle hold the cheese, with hash brown and a Strawberry Milkshake. Their ice cream machine was broken - go figure - so I didn't get the milkshake. In hindsight, I guess my lactose intolerant butt should have been happy that I didn't get one. But I wasn't. Nevertheless, that day begin six more weeks of McDonald's breakfast stops, and without fail every morning til my last day of work, I went and got something. Some mornings were different than others. Like when I was heading to work straight from my boyfriend's house, I would order a small French Vanilla Latte. I hate coffee, but I was in desperate need of the caffeine. Or on days that I knew I probably wouldn't eat lunch, I'd order three hash browns. And when they fixed the machine I started getting my Strawberry Milkshakes. Which would catch up to me in no less than a hour. I'm not sure why but I have a strange love for milk. Anyway, because I was going so often I became pretty familiar with the morning staff. Some morning I would roll up and as I began my order they would already have it punched in. Or they knew the size of my drink if I forgot to say it. I mean I went pretty frequently and I ordered the same things almost every time, so it was bound to happen. What can I say? I'm a creature of habit. Now I only wonder if they miss me as camp is now over and I have yet to return to McDonald's. *SIGH* |
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